Still Holding…

I suppose a check-in is due, six weeks into this particular adventure.

As of July 1, I’ve been on short-term disability from work, due to a conglomeration of yuck that simply overwhelmed me. At the time, I was deeply ambivalent, about whether I could work, whether I should, and so on. I was so disappointed in myself, and I really viewed the time off as a personal failure.

This angst peaked again, briefly, when we decided to cancel our planned vacation to Prince Edward Island, because of my health and because of finances, and just because it was too much.

But, overall, that has faded.  Really.

Which is wonderful, both for me and for my family. I’ve realized and accepted that I really was at the end of my tether, and if I hadn’t made the decision to step away from my job in July, I may very well have experienced serious repercussions, to the tune of I don’t even know what. Falling asleep at the wheel, literally or figuratively? I just don’t know, but I feel like I was standing at the edge of a precipice and could well have pushed myself right over it.

I push myself, by nature. I have a very hard time not doing so, but the past six weeks have been exactly about that: stop pushing, just rest and be.

I’m still in a lot of pain, due to a fracture in my lowest vertebrae plus ankylosing spondylitis, but it’s not as overwhelming. I’ve had a change in medications, which has left me less muddled and not-me. So…I’m better.

Which is exactly the point of taking time off, I think.

I have started using a cane, to walk anything more than a short distance. I hate it and I hate what it symbolizes, but I am working hard to reach an oh-well attitude about it. I hope to return to work in the relatively near future; I’m still figuring out how to walk, with the cane, carrying a backpack, so that I can do what I do, professionally.

I’ll keep you posted.