Posted by: Kate | July 1, 2014

Hold…and Release.

I just left my job. Severe depression/anxiety, intense daily chronic pain, and various medical things I just don’t want to talk about..all converging somewhere in between my brain and my heart (because both hurt right now).

It’s *just* medical leave/”short-term disability, and I’m to stay in contact and let them know and keep them in the loop and check in and touch base…

I mostly feel OK about it. I feel like I’ve been functioning somewhere around 75% all the time, whether I am at home or at work. And I’m not really ever anywhere else, because it’s just all too much lately. Work, kids, sleep — or, in the past month, laying there wondering why I can’t sleep.

My hope is that some time off lets me get my shit together and get back to where I was a couple of months ago.

My fear is  that I won’t get better.

But I have let go of some of my signature over-reserved-ness and leaned heavily on my husband lately. Unsurprisingly, he is several dozen types of amazing and has figured out ways to support me even when I refuse to lean, so of course he has been a rock star over the past little while. And I’ve been very honest (but careful) with the kids, who are already more resilient in the face of Mom-being-unwell than they have any right to be. They’re each beautiful and careful right back.

So we’ll be OK, as a family. No matter how OK or not-OK I end up.

Stay tuned…

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Responses

  1. I am so sorry. It is good you recognize it in yourself. I feel that I am not far behind you though, this time of year intensifies my PTSD. I hopeful that the month passes and I bounce back. Take care, I am always a call away.

    • Thanks, hon. There’s definitely a measure of PTSD at play here…I never used to have a problem working in emergency depts, but lately it’s been harder & harder to get out of the car.

      I needed to make a deliberate change before I broke uncontrollably.

      Sigh. You hang in there, too… the phone works both ways! ❤

  2. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your track record at getting through difficult days is 100%, so have faith, my friend. Much love!

  3. {{{hugs}}} I also have severe anxiety to the point of not being able to leave the house sometimes. If you need to talk, I’m a good listener.

  4. Kate, sorry to see you going through this. We will be on the Cape July 3rd through 6th. After that I will be around weekends and weekday afternoons. If you feel up to having visitors I can come up to see you. Let’s demolish an entire chocolate cake or something. It sounds like taking the time off from work is a positive thing, even though it leaves you with mixed feelings. Remember that we, your friends, all love you and we want to help you any way we can.

  5. Sending positive vibes and empathy. I’ve been in the black pit of hell, not sleeping more than 2 hours for days on end, desperate and shaking, wondering how I would ever make it through the next 15 min. One breath at a time, one step at a time, and slowly, slowly, there is a climb out of the depths. And all the help you can accept IS absolutely NECESSARY to do it.

  6. Miss Kate. Hitting life’s low points completely sucks. I was sorry to hear the way things have been going. Sounds like you have a solid handle on it and I was very glad to hear how much support WW has given. Just know you are loved by many. Even though we are far away, we still think about and love you all. Take care, chin up sister.


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