Posted by: Kate | January 28, 2011

Best Mom Ever

Thursday: “Emily, that is complete bullshit. Please go find a place in your room to hide before I decide to change my mind about my parenthood. And listen, this is not a punishment… it’s the only way you’re going to survive the day.”

Friday 3:00a: “Isaac, I swear, little boy, you don’t go to sleep and I’m going to toss you in a snowbank and see if I’m ready to deal with you after the spring thaw.”

Friday, 7:30a email to Willem: “Jacob apparently made it to the bus alive, or he’s sniveling in a snowbank somewhere… I can’t find it in my heart to get too worried after this morning’s adventure. You saw what a delight it was to dredge Miss Emily from bed, but the trick to her in the morning is to ignore the snarling and nastiness in the first five minutes and then just stay out of her way and she’s good to go. Jacob is usually equally predictable – easier to get out of bed but needing more prompting to actually pick up the spoon and take a bite – but today as he was about to leave, he’s wandering around the house yanking his snowpants/jeans combination up as though he’s just been released from prison and they took his belt away. So I had the audacity to suggest, ‘Go grab a belt and toss it in your bag… you don’t have to use it today, but if you find that your pants are falling down in school you’ll be able to fix that.’


‘I DON’T NEED ONE!’ repeated 4 or 5 times, top volume, in the midst of that special treat which is a rare and spontaneous Jacob-tantrum. Damn near tossed him out a window instead of wasting time with all those stairs.”

Gah. You try really hard to like your kids, but some days the best you can mange is to love them.



  1. Sounds like you had a good snow day too…………..

    • Ohhh, every second was pure bliss.

      But they – and we – all survived, which seems like it should count for something.

  2. The upside is that at least you had the energy to make an attempt at correction instead of letting the bullshit slide. Go you!

  3. I tell my kids everyday that I love them, but most days I DO NOT like them….seriously grow up! (Guess I cant say that to them huh?)

    • Kelly, several times over the past decaded, I’ve been asked to sign cards or fill out “advice” type thing or whatever, for baby showers or fist-time moms-to-be. And *every* time, I can only offer one piece of advice: b”The rule is, you always have to love your children… but you don’t always have to like them.”

      Occasionally I get a responce of shock or “oh, no, I’ll always both love AND like my children.” And then I ask if they’re planning on having a human baby. The answer is usually yes, in which case I ask, “OK… so, name me one, just one, human that you know, whom you have *always* liked. Of any age above about an hour old.”

      Typically they concede then… either because they agree or because they just want to end the conversation. Either way, I know I’m right. Amen. 😉

  4. Yep. We had one of those mornings Wednesday, culminated in her “hiding” in the back of the van when she was supposed to be getting out at the school dropoff line … with cars backing up behind us. I was yelling GET. OUT. OF. THE. CAR. NOW. and she was crying – with the new principal looking on. Good times.

  5. Those are the days when I warn my friends to watch for me on the evening news.

  6. The latest I get is, “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!!! YOU AREN’T!!!!”

    Somehow that hurts a little more than if she told me that she hated me. Not enough to cave or feel all that bad in the moment, but it still stings.

  7. Reminds me of an episode of some sitcom a few years back where the mom made the comment about some living things eating their young. And it being a good thing.

    Been there. Done that. Got the gray hairs.

    P.S. Anyone who says they like their kids all the time is lying.

  8. Oh, I’m so relieved I’m not the only one. If I could send my children away on days when I have PMS, or didn’t get enough sleep, or had an argument with the husband, I could almost be a saint for them. But that’s not real life, is it? What the heck would they learn from that? Here’s to being human. I like to tell my kids there are consequences for acting like a jerk, even when the person you’re being a jerk to loves you as much as your mom.

  9. Well if it helps I was actually pulling out of the driveway without the 14 yo last week due to her dragging her size nines… and she would have just missed school. Yelling is an understatement for what I did. Sigh

  10. It’s so good to know we’re all in the same boat! My nemesis lately is the dreaded pair of socks, which H cannot seem to bear to put on all by himself at age almost six, but he was perfectly capable of dressing his own feet at a year old. My mantra, to both him and myself, on weekday mornings is: don’t let the socks win.

    I’m so glad to see you back, Kate.

  11. I love you. And I love to know that I’m not the only one who says wildly hilarious (later) things to my children. I do understand now why some species eat their young. I’ve been tempted on many a day.

    Love you.

  12. I’m laughing…… my words are different but oh how well I recognise the feelings!

  13. Me: “Max, I swear to Christ above…if you don’t calm the hell down and I mean RIGHT NOW I will cause your butt so much pain you’ll wonder how it didn’t turn inside out.”


    Me: “Bea, for the f*cking love of Christ, GO. TO. F*CKING. SLEEP. or you may not live to see the morning!” (I can be a bit saltier with her because she can’t speak yet). This is usually followed by screaming sobs and me pounding against a wall.

    The way I see it, thoughts are fair game. You can’t control them so you shouldn’t feel guilty about having them. Screaming releases tension that needs to come out. And since motherhood does not require one to undertake a training course or internship of any kind but has incredibly high accountability, no one has the right to say how you react when your head’s overloaded and your kids are running around acting like crazed hyenas with yeast infections.

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