I don’t think it was the writing of the last post, but regardless of the trigger, I fell down again. I can’t sit up without crying, so I lie down and cry until I fall asleep. I don’t remember my dreams, for which I am grateful. Then I wait until I can sleep again, because sleeping feels better than thinking.
I’m so, so sorry, to my loved ones. You deserve better. My only excuse is that by sleeping it off, I’m not harming myself, physically or psychologically.
I don’t have the right words to explain how I feel right now. Just a horrible quagmire of guilt – why should I survive when others didn’t? – and pain and fear – what if this never gets better? – and more pain. I’m not sure whether the emotional stuff outweighs the physical. And I know that I have Christmas, and a vacation with my husband, and New Year’s, on the horizon, and so I have to fin d a way to shake this off and smile again. I have a few more days to figure that out.
One More Thing 
I am so sorry Kate. I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.
By: hokgardner on December 20, 2010
at 10:04 am
Wishing you peace, love, and comfort.
By: wordnerd on December 20, 2010
at 11:53 am
I can’t imagine all of the pain you feel, and rightfully so at that. Know that these few steps that you feel going backwards are part of the recovery process both physically and emotionally; you need them. Don’t ever be sorry you lived, I look at what Derek has been through and I am amazed at what he has overcome and the impact his story has made on others. Once the pain subsides there will be a lesson to be learned (and believe it or not – you story has already instituted changes at hospitals.) It sucks that it had to be you though. Hang in there and if you need someone to reinforce your grasp please let them reach out to you and you feel free to reach out to them.
By: Destiny on December 20, 2010
at 11:59 am
I’m sorry Kate. I’m thinking of you and wish you well.
By: Missy on December 20, 2010
at 1:03 pm
Sending light and love and prayers your way. Hang in there. This, too, will pass. Smiles ahead.
By: Kim - Mommycosm on December 20, 2010
at 1:34 pm
I too am sorry Kate. Little steps forward. May tomorrow be a brighter day, as all remaining tomorrows.
By: Fairly Odd Mother on December 20, 2010
at 1:56 pm
I think you were the one that told me that development and growth don’t happen in a straight line. Lots of peaks and valleys, right? Hang in there and don’t hesitate to ask for help. Sending you love, strength and healing… xoxox
By: stellacarolyn on December 20, 2010
at 2:05 pm
Oh Kate, you and your family are always in my thoughts but I’ll ramp it up right now!
By: florapie on December 20, 2010
at 3:09 pm
Thinking of you Kate. This too shall pass.
By: Kristi on December 20, 2010
at 5:43 pm
Sending you love and healing, and permission to let yourself feel what you feel so you can move through it. ❤
By: drsharna on December 20, 2010
at 7:52 pm
Been there. Yadda yadda. My friend has a saying, “just keep on swimming.” Sometimes it is enough to just tread water. Someday you will swim the laps.
By: MommaMelissa on December 20, 2010
at 8:05 pm
Seding you love, my friend. This is but a season in your life and it will change.
By: sara on December 20, 2010
at 8:36 pm
Oh, my friend. I just wish I could be there in a more meaningful way for you. Love, healing, hugs, thoughts, and prayers going to you.
By: allimonster on December 21, 2010
at 5:30 pm
Sending you love… I wish there were something I could do for you, but as you have said so many times, geography sucks. I’m thinking of you. xoxoxoxox
By: Kim on December 21, 2010
at 11:56 pm
I’ll sit with you ’til you get back up again. much love
By: Jenny Edwards on December 22, 2010
at 12:57 am
Hang in there, Kate! You are an amazingly strong and beautiful woman! You will get through this. Huge and gentle (((hugs)))!
By: Kayla on December 22, 2010
at 1:38 am