I don’t think it was the writing of the last post, but regardless of the trigger, I fell down again. I can’t sit up without crying, so I lie down and cry until I fall asleep. I don’t remember my dreams, for which I am grateful. Then I wait until I can sleep again, because sleeping feels better than thinking.
I’m so, so sorry, to my loved ones. You deserve better. My only excuse is that by sleeping it off, I’m not harming myself, physically or psychologically.
I don’t have the right words to explain how I feel right now. Just a horrible quagmire of guilt – why should I survive when others didn’t? – and pain and fear – what if this never gets better? – and more pain. I’m not sure whether the emotional stuff outweighs the physical. And I know that I have Christmas, and a vacation with my husband, and New Year’s, on the horizon, and so I have to fin d a way to shake this off and smile again. I have a few more days to figure that out.