So, yeah, never mind.
Instead of packing up the few remaining things I had here, I had to have Willem bring me several days’ worth of extra clothes.
Instead of sternly chasing myself to bed at 10:00 or so to make up for four hours of sleep last night – just wide awake and so might as well edit and post photos, and then for some reason I was wide awake and ready to go at 7:00 this morning instead of my normal 8:00 or 9:00 – I’m still up at 11:30 with no plans to sleep any time soon; in fact, I’m working hard to stay awake and doing a lot of nodding off and then shaking myself awake again.
Instead of playing around online, perhaps trying to answer some of the endless correspondence that I’ve let pile up, I’m pounding out a blog post one-handed. The other hand has an IV access site in it, and I have gained a strong local reputation as having bad veins, so after much concentration and patience, the nurse got the IV in place. I’ve been told to keep it all as still as possible, just in case.
Instead of preparing to go home tomorrow, I’m preparing to receive another two units of blood, and I’ll go home “in a couple days, maybe longer.”
Instead of smiling and getting ready to see my kids without a time limit, I’m crying myself hoarse and dehydrated.
This is all – all, not just this, today, the delay that we learned about at 7:00 the night before and that broke Jacob’s heart instantly upon hearing – it’s all so ridiculous. Unfair, unreasonable, too much, you choose.
I want to be home…. no, I need to be home. There is such thing as mental and emotional healing, which won’t happen here, plus sleep and food I’ll eat and something to look at that is not the same beige walls. I need those things. Stat.
But I’ve been running a mysterious, intermittent, low-grade fever, which I want to blame on menopause. And more concerning, my hematocrit (red blood cell count) keeps falling. I had a blood transfusion – thank you, if you’ve ever donated – a week ago Friday, and that helped… but only temporarily, and now I’m back down too low again. The speculation is that either I have a hematoma (a bruise) somewhere internal, that is collecting red blood cells and stealing them out of general circulation, or I have GI bleeding doing the same. Thus two more units of blood (for those keeping track at home, this brings us to 12: 8 during the surgeries, two last week, two tonight), and various new tests to try and figure this out.
I know it’s better that they caught it, better to be careful, better than the way I was summarily discharged with no testing or examinations before and we all know where that got me. I know it’s better to go home safe than to go home quick. I know.
So, not tomorrow.
My heart keeps finding new ways to hurt.