Posted by: Kate | April 6, 2010


So, yeah, never mind.

Instead of packing up the few remaining things I had here, I had to have Willem bring me several days’ worth of extra clothes.

Instead of sternly chasing myself to bed at 10:00 or so to make up for four hours of sleep last night – just wide awake and so might as well edit and post photos, and then for some reason I was wide awake and ready to go at 7:00 this morning instead of my normal 8:00 or 9:00 – I’m still up at 11:30 with no plans to sleep any time soon; in fact, I’m working hard to stay awake and doing a lot of nodding off and then shaking myself awake again.

Instead of playing around online, perhaps trying to answer some of the endless correspondence that I’ve let pile up, I’m pounding out a blog post one-handed.  The other hand has an IV access site in it, and I have gained a strong local reputation as having bad veins, so after much concentration and patience, the nurse got the IV in place.  I’ve been told to keep it all as still as possible, just in case.

Instead of preparing to go home tomorrow, I’m preparing to receive another two units of blood, and I’ll go home “in a couple days, maybe longer.”

Instead of smiling and getting ready to see my kids without a time limit, I’m crying myself hoarse and dehydrated.

This is all – all, not just this, today, the delay that we  learned about at 7:00 the night before and that broke Jacob’s heart instantly upon hearing – it’s all so ridiculous.  Unfair, unreasonable, too much, you choose.

I want to be home…. no, I need to be home.  There is such thing as mental and emotional healing, which won’t happen here, plus sleep and food I’ll eat and something to look at that is not the same beige walls.  I need those things.  Stat.

But I’ve been running a mysterious, intermittent, low-grade fever, which I want to blame on menopause.  And more concerning, my hematocrit (red blood cell count) keeps falling.  I had a blood transfusion – thank you, if you’ve ever donated – a week ago Friday, and that helped… but only temporarily, and now I’m back down too low again.  The speculation is that either I have a hematoma (a bruise) somewhere internal, that is collecting red blood cells and stealing them out of general circulation, or I have GI bleeding doing the same.  Thus two more units of blood (for those keeping track at home, this brings us to 12: 8 during the surgeries, two last week, two tonight), and various new tests to try and figure this out.

I know it’s better that they caught it, better to be careful, better than the way I was summarily discharged with no testing or examinations before and we all know where that got me.  I know it’s better to go home safe than to go home quick.  I know.

So, not tomorrow.

My heart keeps finding new ways to hurt.



  1. NOT FAIR. NOT *&#*&$ing FAIR. I’m angry enough for this entire house to blow its roof off. Going home was the ONLY thing getting you through every hour.


  2. Ack, damn. I’m sorry, Kate. I was so excited for you. You’re right, though — better they found it tonight and are treating you than discharging you prematurely. I’m betting they want to be extra careful about that. Hopefully it will be only a short delay. Many hugs.

  3. That sucks!

  4. Damn.

    Hang in there friend. At least they are being thorough and careful…..

  5. I’m so sorry. Glad they caught it, but no, you don’t have to like the extra hospital time. Or be overly gracious about it. You didn’t exactly volunteer for this. It stinks.

  6. Wow, that sucks Kate! I guess the only thing I’m glad is that they caught this before you got home but still . . .Ugh! SO sorry! Hang in there, and to quote Dory the fish, just keep swimming, just keep swimming. . .the boys will be there when you get home.

  7. I’m sorry Kate.

  8. Oh Poop!
    I am glad they are making sure all is right before you go home. That way hopefully you wont have to come back. But I am so sorry for the let down. I feel for the kids an Willem as well. My heart aches for you guys.

  9. Shit. Shit shit shit. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.

  10. I am so sorry. And I’ll be going to give blood this week.

  11. Not fair! I am so sorry to hear this, and it just royally stinks!

  12. Kate-I’m so sorry. Hugs for you all!

  13. Well, that bites big time. I’m sorry. The fates keep jerking you around big time. I”ll be thinking about you and hoping this gets cleared up fast and you’re sprung very soon.

  14. I’m so sorry Kate. I am glad they are being careful & caught what’s going on. I hope they solve the problem ASAP!! Sending you lots of hugs!

  15. Oh crap. Hang in there Kate, (((hugs))).

  16. Crap, crap, crap! I pray that your blood cell counts come up and your fever goes down. There are much more hugs, love and healing vibes headed your way!

  17. Effyousee-k. I am so sorry. I’m a freakin’ wreck and so are my kids–after only the 2 day post-baby hospital stay. I am glad they’re making sure you are ok before they send you home. I just wish you were in the definitely ok category.

  18. Gosh Kate they need to figure this out ASAP and get you home! Hang on tight sweetie!

  19. OhhhhhhHHH. I read both of these at once. I’m so sorry. Total buzz kill. Hoping for good counts next time around so you can go home.

  20. Well that totally sucks! I am so sorry you and your family keep getting jerked around – but it is better to be safe than sorry. So hang in there, I know it’s impossibly tough – you are a strong woman. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

  21. Well, SHIT. Could the universe please give Kate and family an effing break?

    I hope you can continue to be strong.

  22. I’m so frustrated and sad because all this stuff keeps happening! Let’s hold out some hope that this is the very last roadblock, and I’ll keep thinking strong, healthy thoughts your way.

    It has to stop raining on you guys sometime soon, Kate. The finish line is very close, I feel it. I’m just glad they’re looking into this, as you said, rather than letting you go back to the ER in a week.

  23. I am so sorry. Hopefully they find the cause soon with a speedy recovery. HUGS

  24. That completely and totally sucks. I hope that they’ve figured it out by now and treated the cause so you can get home immediately, if not sooner.

  25. Oh that sucks so much!
    Once again, about the best I can do is wish you health! SOON!!

  26. Hang in there Kte! You know, when my cat had low hematocrit (sp?) we just had to give him a shot…. But I’m glad they’re looking for the cause – I think it might suck more to get home and then have to go back!

    The vibes are still coming strong!

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