I’ve Misplaced my Religion; Can I Borrow Yours?

It’s patently obvious to me, looking at the Madhouse calendar of topics, that it was thrown together long before I had any idea of the amount of chaos about to descend over the summer. I’m barely able to help Jacob pick out the right days-of-the-week socks, much less plan out posts on specified topics.

So, here I am, after 9:00 on a Wednesday evening, just now remembering – and that only because I was deliberately reminded – that is is Wednesday, and therefore time for another carnival entry. Religion, this week. Heavy stuff, no matter what time of year, and I’d likely have a hard time coming up with something that is both on-topic and not previously discussed even if I wasn’t surrounded by little bursts of chaos.

But this week, as it happens, the concept of religion has been somewhat on my mind.  Well, not religion, exactly; more like faith.  I still don’t find myself drawn to the idea of a personlike God, with conditions for membership and fees and specified locations for worship.  I don’t have anything against it, and often envy those who can draw comfort or community from their religious affiliation.  It’s just not the way I roll.

Instead, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the idea of trust, and faith, and accepting that what is supposed to happen, will happen.  I can’t believe that everything happens for a reason, but I can get on board with the idea that there’s a larger scheme of things, a flow of karma or grace or just something, and that the best I can do is, well, do my best, and then let go a little and just hope.

I’m not a huge fan of this “just let go” idea; I much prefer a sense that if I just follow the right steps, then I’ll get the outcome I want.  Like in school, or work, or organizing an interstate move, or any of those other areas of life in which we have some semblance of control.  But sometimes, we can’t even pretend to be in control.

Like now.

Because I’m pregnant.

Yes, really.

Only a tiny little bit, so far.  Far enough along for a home pregnancy test, taken on a hunch at 5:30 in the morning the day the movers were due to arrive, to come out not only positive, but darkly and enthusiastically positive.  Far enough along for blood tests to be positive, with the magical hCG level increasing quite nicely, as it’s meant to do.  Far enough to have very seriously rattled my poor little brain quite enthusiastically around inside my skull.

But not far enough along to be able to see anything, conclusively, on an ultrasound.  The gestational sac is there, but nothing heartbeatlike or bloblike.  That was yesterday, and it took the wind out of my sails a bit.  I was so upbeat, so serenely positive that, since I was quite dutifully experiencing all of the requisite early pregnancy symptoms, including an ability to fall asleep mid-sentence and a low-grade nausea that spikes to high-grade with very little warning, the ultrasound would show me a little cursor-blink of a heartbeat and I could start shopping for maternity clothes.  Instead I got a firm “We’re not sure,” and a follow-up ultrasound scheduled for next week.  There are no reasons to believe that anything is going wrong – it really is just very early in the process – but no conclusive, visual indications of perfection, either.

I’m still feeling fairly optimistic, and just spent a rousing, epiphany-like experience, worshiping at the porcelain altar in my bathroom. (Which, ironically enough, and only fitting for this post, has a brand name of “Church.”  You just can’t make this stuff up.)  As unpleasant a symptom as that may be, I’m delighted to have any symptoms at all, at this point.  I know that many – maybe even most – women prefer to wait a while, perhaps to the end of the first trimester, or at least until they’ve had a firmly successful ultrasound, before going public with their news, but my feeling is, this has dominated every waking thought for the past week and will continue to do so, so I might as well write about it.  If things go as hoped, then I can be pleased that I shared the good news early and perhaps brought a smile to a few faces… and if not, then I’ve rallied the troops in advance, and the necessary shoulders will be all lined up, ready to be leaned upon.

I’ll learn more next Thursday.  And in the meantime, the fact that I don’t have a personal God at my own disposal has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the spiritual guides you have at yours.  So if you have a spare vibe, thought, prayer, hope, or bit of faith to swing my way, I’d appreciate it.  A lot.

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It is, indeed, Madhouse Wednesday here – as opposed to the ridiculous quantities of sanity with which we surround ourselves on the rest of the week – and is worth the clicks to go see who else might have played along this week…

• JMLC
• Baino
• Heather
• Be This Way
• Alli
• Aitara
• Fraught
• The Three Bucketeers
• Heather
• LeeAnne
• Destiny
• Patty