Posted by: Kate | May 11, 2009

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I stayed up too late last night, with a heaping serving of anxiety ‘n’ stuff (which should be the next new Baskin-Robbins flavor, it would sell like hotcakes… only colder) and sometimes, when tired, my brain starts to play an audio track for my thoughts, as a sort of background.  So I hear things. Bits of conversations I had that day, sounds I heard, completely random things with no relevance to my life whatsoever.  It really is like a brief snatch of sound from anywhere in my memory, spit out with no rhyme or reason (except when they do actually rhyme).***

They’re of such a weird, echoey quality that I’m able to realize when I’m actually hearing something (distressingly not very often) and when it’s just this weird little bit of evidence that normality is not in any danger of me moving into the neighborhood. I’m saving my psychotic break, replete with auditory and visual hallucinations as well as delusions and paranoia, for another year, as 2009 is already booked solid.  Perhaps to coincide with the end of the world, on 12/21/2012.

Coupled with my ongoing hearing loss and recently increasing tinnitis, it creates a circumstance where I’m really in my own little world.  Willem scares the bejeezus out of me whenever he gets up to use the bathroom, particularly if I see him before I hear him.

So I was amused, as I sat awake and jittery at 2:00 in the morning, worried about today’s Official Diagnosis Doctor’s Appointment Following Last Week’s MRI, when the sound of Emily’s giggling came to mind and bounced around like a drunken earworm for a while. I can’t remember now if it was the pleasant, happy-sounding giggle or the overstimulated, someone-is-going-to-cry-soon cackle. It provided some amusement, even though the near-giddiness and not-quite-manicky feeling from earlier in the day had worn off and I was starting to edge toward sleepy enough to lie down. I suppose it’s nice that my randomizer spit that out instead of the sound she made after her collarbone snapped*.

*Warning, for those who haven’t been here for the past four years (out of curiosity, has anyone? been here since the beginning? besides me?), this post happened when Jacob was very small and still primarily breastfeeding. And I’m just as forthcoming about things like breastfeeding as I am about most everything else… it’s safe for work, assuming I’m not banned in your place of business or China, if you happen to be in China, but it’s also too much information**.

**Extra credit:
SFW + TMI = ?

***It occurred to me, lying awake in bed around 3:00 after finally forcing myself to at least get horizontal, that I do know what this weird sound experience is: it’s dreaming, though parts of my brain are still awake. The random little bits of dream that normally get forgotten or remembered with, well, a dreamlike quality. Which makes it all seem much cooler and less insane. I think that’s probably better.



  1. SFW + TMI = OMGWTF.


    Also, I am the queen of all things “stuck in your head.” I’ve had songs damn near drive me up the wall before. But you’re the first person I’ve seen admit they hear snippets of remembered conversation in the same way. I do that, too.

  2. SFW + TMI=LOLZ? Melanie’s is better.

    I couldn’t get to sleep ’til really late either. It could have been the coffee I had around 11 though. Sometimes if I want to be alert when I’m working, I forget that I won’t want to stay that way all. night. long.

    I went back and read the post about E’s collarbone. Good lord! That’s why they call them freak accidents.

  3. My sleeplessness generally gives me a playback of work-related stuff….what to do with that kid who isn’t doing well in reading?, why was my boss cranky yesterday?, what are we going to do in Science tomorrow?, etc. I never have any solutions to these issues, but my brain just keeps going around, and around, and around, with no real order.

    I haven’t been around since the beginning, but I think I’ve read back from the beginning. I’m nosy like that.

  4. I don’t know if I’ve been around from the very beginning, but I’ve definitely been here a while!! I remember when you made the change to wordpress — can anyone here top that? 🙂

    I hope today goes OK for you. I’ll be thinking about you …

  5. I dont know if I made “The Begining” but I’ve followed you around since our July Firefly days(boy that sounds a wee bit stalker-ish, doesn’t it?) and I remember conversations where the words liquid vicodin and best stuff ever invented came up lol 🙂

  6. Yeah, Jessi and LeeAnne – and a few others – are likely to end up tied in the lead for this one, because I started the blog in the fall of 2004, after having posted on a message board for a while prior and I finally deciding I was taking up too much of their bandwidth and should go find somewhere else to babble.

    Many, many of the earliest posts are copied wholesale from the message board, because I’m territorial and lazy like that.

  7. I used to read you on blogger when you were still called “post traumatic grandma disorder”. I still have you bookmarked in my favourites on what is now the kids’ computer…

    Love you!

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