Posted by: Kate | May 7, 2009

Where There’s a Will…

I found now, not long ago, that L, of the crazy ex-husband and brief cohabitation, has recently met with her lawyer and officially changed her will, naming me as temporary guardian of both of her kids if she dies or is incapacitated. Her parents have already announced, without even knowing about the will, that they plan to sue for custody if anything were to happen to L – isn’t it fabulous, the sort of conversations a family has when issues like domestic violence and sociopathic threats come up? – and L doesn’t want them to succeed.

Which I get, because her dad is heavy on the paranoid/controlling end of things and her mom is passive-aggressive and bipolar, so they had a hard enough time getting L through to adulthood; she doesn’t want to add advanced age into the mix for her kids, just in case.

But it’s also a fairly intense thing, knowing that there are two kids out there who might possibly end up being mine. Not terribly likely now, as L is in good health and her ex is in Texas and heavily monitored, but still. It’s not that I don’t want them… but, really, I don’t. I like other people’s kids, but in smallish sorts of doses, and I have yet to meet another child and think, “Oh, my God, I want to keep this child forever.” I’m always OK with returning certain packages to their owners, I guess.

It’s a mindset that should serve me well down the road, when I’m ready to start the training and then the actual doing of foster care.  Returning kids after a brief loan will hurt, but shouldn’t destroy me.  And it has already helped considerably in the last several months, when my own infertility has stood out in stark contrast to several other people’s quick (and sometimes surprise) pregnancies.  That’s theirs, and I don’t want what is theirs. I want what is mine, whether that means simply holding onto what I already have or accumulating more; kids, possessions, houses, whatever – I work hard to avoid envy, because it’s just such a useless endeavor.

I do see adoption as a viable possibility, someday; in which case, somehow, magically, that child will suddenly become mine, and I will embrace that with arms as wide open as with the ones that are genetically linked to me. But until then, other people’s kids? Not mine.

So, anyway. Just some heavy musings for a rainy Thursday morning. (And it leads on to the next issue of, my own will designates my mother as the guardian for my kids. I still think she’s probably the best of the immediate, familial options, but recent events have made even that less black-and-white. I hate ambivalence.)


  1. Sorry to say we haven’t fully written things out for our children’s future. I know hubby’s family will want a piece of the action but only temporarily + I don’t feel their are attentive to their current kids and relationships really stand on the unhealthy side. I feel my sister is the best person + she will always have help from our parents, it is something HEAVY to ask someone and I don’t want them to feel they HAVE TO because we ask but they want to.

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