It has been a very difficult couple of days, and trust me… however tired you are of reading me whining about my depression, I’m at least ten times more tired of feeling it. I try to write a few days ahead when I’m doing well, so as not to wallow quite so much, but for now, I’ve run out of saved posts and am just blah. I told Willem, the other night (and by “night” I mean, “in a meltdown that started at 1:00 and ended at 4:00”), that this is the worst I’ve ever been, because every other time in my life, I would have one problem area but several other specific projects or goals that I could work toward. School, or work, or similar… and now, not.
I’m a barrel of monkeys just lately, let me tell you.
So, I resist posting. I try to commit some combination of words to computer every day, because it’s some small semblance of commitment and structure, but I’ve become very self-conscious of the woe-is-me stuff. I truly am not posting to get the “Hang in there, you’re wonderful” comments, because right now I’m so dug into this depression that I just start to reflexively disagree, anyway. And then I feel like a schmuck for refusing to accept the good will and support that has been offered. And then I get irritated with myself for continuing to whine so publicly. And then I close the computer and find something mindless on TV or in a book, just to stop that whole cycle of annoyance.
It will get better, I know. Someday. I’m just not able to even envision that right now. “Bleak” would be an appropriate word.
In the meantime, I’ll post when I can, and honest, I’m trying to edge away from all of the misery and angst.
In service of that, remember that tomorrow’s “carnival” topic is “Forgiven.” Please play along, post about doing it or receiving it or not being able to consider it… last week, I couldn’t find it in me to comment, but I read every post, and I commented in my head.