Posted by: Kate | December 17, 2008

One of Life’s Little Mysteries

Why is it that pain, either emotional or physical – or, if you’re really lucky, both at the same time – is at its absolute worst in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep?

I’m fine right now.  My jaw and mouth hurt, and my cheeks are disturbingly chipmunklike, but I’m upright and functioning and generally feeling OK.

I have a few job prospects to pursue, though I am increasingly reaching a realization that if we do, indeed, move in another six months, then it really doesn’t make sense to get started somewhere new.  I’ll barely be through with training before having to leave, and I don’t see adding six months at some new position as a good resume builder; it just reopens the question of, “Why did you leave so soon?”

The kids are both back in school.

Everyone is reasonably healthy.

We’ve got good, happy plans for Christmas, spending a week and a half at my mother’s, which means good company and a much-needed change of scenery.

Overall, I’m fine.

But I was up until 5:00 in the morning with serious pain – i.e., beyond the reach of Percoset – and an overwhelming anxious/sad/worried emotional mix.  It always seems so much worse when everyone else is sleeping, somehow.

So, just more of the same old roller coaster, and right this second it’s just in one of those plateaus in between a big climb or a sharp fall.  I think it may be a sign of maturity, or perhaps defeatism, that I vastly prefer the plateaus to the exciting bits, just lately.

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Responses

  1. I completely understand the mid-night wakefulness. I get to thinking and all sorts of thoughts spin around my head. Focus on Christmas and good times for a little while, it will help you relax. I hope your pain subsides soon! I feel for you.

  2. I had a conversation with my dad a few months ago. He asked me what was going on, and I said nothing exciting. Everything was going along as normal. I also told him that was just how I liked it. I’ve come to realize that as “fun” as the highs and lows of youth were, there is an awful lot to be said for the plateaus. Now it seems that if something exciting is happening, it’s usually bad.

  3. There is something so empty and cold about a dark, quiet house in the wee hours of the morning when you can’t sleep. It’s the loneliest time, and often the reason why I will lie awake in bed for hours rather than get up and be anywhere else in the house, feeling the emptiness.


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