Posted by: Kate | August 16, 2008

Not Myself

Of course I’m in a crappy mood.  You got a problem with that?

First of all, my husband is still away, and has proven just how good of a time he’s been having by consistently not emailing or calling most days.  This is a good sign; it means he’s having a blast.  I’m just missing him.

Then, I have not had more than ten minutes of true, all-by-myself, no-responsibilities alone-time in the past two weeks.  I enjoy my kids, I love being around my sister, I like L and X… but I also crave solitude once in a while.  Normally, there are moments during the day when I can just zone out and be phenomenally asocial for a bit; often, this involves the children sleeping or playing in another room.  I’ve been making due by alternating loud music and relative silence in the car when I’m working, but I can’t completely unwind there.  Other drivers dislike that immensely.

Further, I have not been able to meet my own standards for myself several times lately.  I couldn’t take my sister and the kids to Boston on Monday to visit colleges; I wanted to, had promised to, but then was so tired after a busy overnight shift that I just couldn’t.  Nobody but me gave me grief for this, but I gave myself plenty.  I don’t like applying the word “can’t” to myself, because I rarely assign myself tasks that are beyond my own reach.  I let myself, and others, down.  Again, on Thursday, when I took the afternoon off.  And yet again, last night, when I was at work and forgot to record the baseball game where one of my very closest friends in the whole world sang the National Anthem.  Any one of these is no big deal in the larger picture, but they accumulate to a big pile of disappointment.

Let’s not forget Monday’s plans: I will be put under general anesthesia for a dentist to start working on the first half of what could be anywhere between six and eleven cavities.  He won’t know until he gets there, apparently.  I already have a vague sense of self-disdain for needing the unconsciousness in the first place, and now I can throw the anxiety of imminence on top.

And, finally, my period came this morning.  It helps explain away at least half of my crabby mood and sheer exhaustion.  I don’t know what I was thinking, expecting that the last four cycles being over 45 days might suggest that I had another two weeks before dealing with it again.  We don’t need no stinking schedules.  The good news is, it means I can skip the Provera and go right to Clomid this cycle.  The bad news is, it’s uncomfortable.

So, yeah, just not been myself this week, and I hate that.  It’s not like I spent the week being someone fabulous and cool.  Just not me.

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Responses

  1. Sending you chocolate thoughts.

  2. I know what you mean about craving the solitude. I need my time by myself every day. That’s the problem with being on vacation with my family and our friends – I don’t get any down time at all.

    I am also my own worst critic when it comes to not getting something done to my standards. Even when no one else has a problem with what I’ve done, I usually do.

    Hang in there.

  3. Hugs.

    At least Willem will be home just in time to take advantage of this first clomid cycle, yes?

  4. Huggles from the west coast. Think of how relaxed you’ll be under anesthesia? I can even spell it right now that I have my AA. 😛

    Sometimes one must accept to lower her standards for a few days. Hate to tell you this, but you’re not perfect. You are fabulous just the way you are.

    I’ll drop by and be your nany for a few weeks now that I have all this off time.

    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. May God watch over that dentist or Janice will have to hunt dentist down……………….LOLOL. 😀

  5. But you as a person ARE fabulous and cool!
    Sending you lots of good thoughts and quiet-ness vibes.

  6. Dude, you ARE fabulous and cool which is why you have worked yourself into such a funk. I can certainly appreciate your need for solitude — even when your visitors are family and close friends, you still find yourself having to stay in the “on” position. Sorry that general anesthesia is the only way to get a little bit of peace and quiet! 😉

    Seriously, good luck tomorrow. I’m sending good wishes and “chocolate thoughts” (thank you, Beverly, I am SO stealing that!!!) your way.

    Hugs from way down souf.

  7. Is there such a thing as intravenous chocolate?

    Here’s a Mid-Atlantic hug to add to the collection…

  8. I understand. I’m a loner with 3 small children and a husband. I was definitely autistic by Thursday of our vacation. No eye contact, thanks.
    Did you make it to the Sand Blast? We, did not. But Crane Beach was awesome, and we will be going back.

  9. I feel you on pretty much every bit of this post. I hold myself to a pretty high standard – much higher than anybody else ever could. One of the things I’ve done lately is challenged myself to abandon the concept of perfection…it’s helped keep my obsession in check.

    I need my “alone time” too. I’m a raging introvert, and the “role” I play when I’m out in public can be exhausting. Hopefully Willem’s return will give you some reprieve.

    As for the dentist, maybe a comforting stuffed animal, pillow, or blanket waiting in your arms when you wake up? Anesthesia is disorienting enough when you don’t have trauma to deal with as well. And anyway, my DH Mike is nervous enough about the dentist WITHOUT justification that he probably will need some sort of sedation, if not anesthesia, when I do get him dragged in.

    Lots of hugs and good thoughts heading your way tomorrow.


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