Posted by: Kate | August 13, 2008

Are We There Yet?

You wouldn’t happen to have a spare time machine just laying around, would you?

I don’t need any fancy back-in-time DeLorean sort of tricks; I’d just like to fast-forward to Sunday.

Because I’m tired.  Down-to-the-bone, brain-meltingly tired.

It’s not the tired of new-baby sleep deprivation, or of physical exertion.  I’m just tired of being in charge.  I know that I tend to gravitate toward leadership positions, in various forms – sometimes it’s actually leading things, and sometimes it’s just being the most outspoken pain in the ass in a given group.  Sometimes both at the same time, now that I think of it.  So it’s no surprise, now, that with Willem gone, L here but dealing with a host of her own issues, and Mary being a huge help but still being a 17-year-old on vacation, the details are all falling to me.

And it’s not a case of refusal to delegate.  I would delegate the inhalation and exhalation of my own oxygen if I could.  I’m extraordinarily comfortable interrupting the kids’ play time to make them empty the dishwasher or feed the cat.

It’s a case of inability to delegate.  Nobody else here knows that garbage day is Tuesday or is able to drive Willem’s truck to the dump because I missed the recycling pickup by four freaking seconds.  Nobody else can keep track of the bills to pay, the sold books that need to be shipped, the appointments and plans that need to be made and kept – those things are normally split between Willem and me, and right now they’re not.  I don’t resent this, I’m just exhausted.

And in the case of the other things, the things that other people can do, it still requires me to be aware of them and assigning tasks: telling the kids to do chores, getting Mary started on dinner, not bludgeoning X with her bean bag chair when L has lost the energy to argue with her.  I suppose I could disappear into my room and feel sorry for myself, and the rest of them would find ways to bathe and eat and clothe themselves, but I don’t want to be absolved of all responsibility.  I just want a half-day’s break.

I am so going for a massage after Willem comes home.

OK.  Enough whining.  I’m not as overwhelmed as I sound, and we really have been having a nice couple of weeks, despite Willem’s absence.  The kids have been well-behaved, Mary is a joy to be around, and my friends have been checking in on me.  So we’re fine, and now that I’ve vented and whined a bit I can paste the happy face on and head out to the next thing.

Especially because I have homemade peach ice cream and two huge chocolate bars at the ready in case of emergency.

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Responses

  1. “BZZZZZZZZZZZP” nope didn’t work, must be out of juice 😉 Sorry you are a full time grown up right now.It is Wednesday so your nearly there. Hang in there my friend – I wish I was closer to help you out a bit.

  2. Oh, I know the feeling.
    Steal what snippets of time and sanity that you can.
    And treat yourself to a glass of wine in the middle of the mayhem. It won’t hurt. Really.

  3. Welcome to my life in a couple weeks. My husband Mike will be going to a convention in Seattle CONVENIENTLY the weekend we’re moving. So it’s all up to me to coordinate the move. Did I mention it’s the first week of my assistantship at school AND the first week of classes? Ugh.

    I’m going to have to pick up a couple of those emergency chocolate bars for myself…and probably a bottle of wine too.

  4. Ha! Little sympathy from my corner of the universe. I’ve been doing it for 23 years! heheh . . .(although I still manage to get someone else to take out the garbage if I nag enough!)

  5. You have my sympathy and my admiration for having lasted this long. I can hold it together for a week of being solo, but beyond that, things get dicey. The last time my husband went away for an extended work trip, I imported my mother for a week’s worth of help.

    Hang in there. And I think you should go for a massage AND a pedicure.


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