Enlightenment via Hormones

I’ve been off the Pill for a month, and am slowly realizing just how many side effects, small and large, had been along for the ride. The biggest one was the complete lack of periods. I don’t know what that was about; as Markira commented yesterday, it does seem like something should’ve been happening, somehow, but I did my best not to think about that. Too ooky. I did mention it to my OB-GYN (and, guys, that’s pronounced “oh-bee-gee-why-enn,” not “obb-gine”) and she was singularly unconcerned, so I practiced my well-honed skills of denial and avoidance.

There was also a pronounced lack of sex drive, and having that particular mystery solved has been cause for celebration. We were aware of the situation, and I tried to be accommodating and responsive as circumstances dictated, but sex became a conscious, deliberate task to schedule in. Left to my own devices, it never would have occurred to me to initiate. I wasn’t averse to the idea, mind you, and was happy to participate when reminded, but… well, it’s like potato chips. I enjoy them when they’re brought to me, but it’s extremely rare for me to independently go out and buy potato chips on my own. I just don’t think of them, and there are so many other foods that do occur to me first, so they tend to fall off my radar unless I’m reminded.

(I hear you, it’s a weird analogy. But if Gretchen can find a way to compare the evolutionary extinction process of tree frogs to her wish that migraines would disappear, then I can liken my passive interest in potato chips with my sex drive. So there.)

Anyway, my lack of initiation was an occasional topic of conversation around the house, and the general consensus was that it was some underlying quirk in me. I have a trauma history, having been raped at 12 and again at 17, so sex was always a complicated concept for me anyway. Plus, over the past eight years, I have spent about four of those years either pregnant or breastfeeding, neither of which is a consistent aphrodisiac for me.

So, it must be me, right?  A problem with the flux capacitor, or something.  It was a reflexive assumption, but it turns out that we were making an ass out of u and mption. A week or so off the Pill, and hey, guess what? The idea independently presents itself to me now. Willem is delighted.

Then there’s PMS. Oh, good times there, yes, indeed. Over the past week or so, I’ve put on five pounds. In a week. Five pounds. Ridiculous, particularly because I wasn’t eating any differently than usual. Then there’s the complexion, which has never been perfect but has suddenly gone from mildly annoying to wondering what my face spells in Braille.  And, of course, the emotions have been all over the place, some of which shone through here (see Monday’s whine about physical therapy, for example). I haven’t felt especially crankier than usual (though a survey of my household might reflect a different opinion), but I’ve just been uncharacteristically pessimistic and angst-ridden. Normally I’m pretty good with interpersonal boundaries and I do not experience guilt because I know I’m doing the best I can, but this week I’ve wallowed in doubts about certain plans and decisions… it’s just been unlike me.

And the thing about PMS is, I don’t recognize it right away. Having lived through several years of PTSD and depression, I’m attuned to those symptoms and can usually head them off pretty quickly. But PMS doesn’t quite feel like either of those things; it just feels like I’m off and can’t put my finger on the reason for it. And until I can define the “what” and “why,” I can’t come up with a coherent idea of what to do about it. Usually it takes a few days, and then someone whose body is on the same calendar cycle as mine will say something and the light will dawn.

Or, in this case, my body will send out a pretty clear signal on its own. And suddenly it all makes sense, all the weight gain and bloating and complexion issues and emotional weirdness, and I know to just wait it out for a few days. With my mouth shut, unless I’m inserting some form of chocolate.