Posted by: Kate | June 3, 2007

Blech

Yeah, by now I’m sure. I’m still surprised by my own unruffledness; I’m not exactly skipping around and singing, but nor am I wallowing. I think if I’d gotten a positive pregnancy test earlier in the week it’d be a different tune, but as it is I’m not getting what I already expected not to get. (I did get a positive test a few hours before, which my brain had not quite wrapped itself around, and then the bleeding started so soon after that it didn’t seem worth noting.)  So I’m okay.

Physically, for those not versed in this particular experience, and I wish that this applied to most everyone, I’m hovering right in the middle of the cosmic pain scale. A miscarriage, even this early, is more painful than a regular monthly event, more uncomfortable than a sprained ankle or a tattoo, but not as bad as a severe migraine, strep throat or childbirth. Ibuprofen deals with it, though I found last night that top-shelf chocolate martinis (two, thankyouverymuch) help take that edge off just fine, too.

Even feeling emotionally okay, I’m deeply appreciative of the comments here, and notes and phone calls, because this okayness is certainly not a given. Any number of small details, slightly altered, could have snowballed into the sort of baffled, betrayed self-loathing that I’ve done twice before.

It’s actually quite bizarre, feeling this normal right now. It’s as if I shouldn’t laugh or enjoy the kids; I don’t feel guilty so much as confused. To the point that I wonder if I’m just innocently grazing in a field, unconsciously waiting for that big lizard foot to come smashing down. But I don’t think so. I hope not.

I’m obviously not quite myself tonight, because it has taken almost 45 minutes to come out with this pathetic little excuse for a post, and it’s neither witty nor intense. Just vague. Which is really how I’m feeling – like someone has turned down my volume, except for these odd little moments of moodiness which everyone just loves.

So I’m going to go back to my heating pad and stop with the drivel. For now.

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Responses

  1. Hey Kate . . It’s little consolation but actually happens to 75% of women I’m told. Happened to me a couple of times . . . wasn’t meant to be . . something not quite right . . . better off now than later and all that. . .little consolation I know . . big hugs and Naprogesic works wonders.

  2. *hugs*

    I was where you’re at not so long ago.

    Eat a lot of chocolate and be nice to yourself. *hugs*

  3. Huge hugs, Kate!!!

  4. Hang in there,Kate. You’re such a fantastic mom and wonderful person and so good about processing and understanding yourself and your life so I have no doubt that you will get through this and be ok.

  5. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you. I had the same situation a few years ago, neg test and all.. I remember it all.. I don’t really have any advise, but I’m here if you need an understanding ear 🙂

  6. Stick with the heating pad and the ibuprofen and the whatever else helps. Here’s hoping you heal quickly.

  7. I was in a bad place with a miscarriage before I had Ry, and after months and months of trying and several positive pregnancy test that turned into the next day’s bloody mess, I did get a little bit numb to it all.
    Platitudes never helped me so I’ll spare you.
    Feel better.

  8. I would imagine that vague is the expected best case scenario reaction to what you’ve been through, whether it was something you hoped for/planned on or not. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  9. I’m so sorry … I ws just laughing at your letter to ept, and now this. You are in my thoughts.

    LeeAnne

  10. Thinking about you! Hugs

  11. Oh Kate – I’m just now catching up and I am SO SORRY for your loss – even a very early miscarriage is still a disappointment.

    I had two last year – and the second one was at 10 weeks (devastating). Being a biologist – I tried to tell myself that “nature” was doing the correct thing – there was probably something wrong, but it still hurt and no matter how I acted on the outside that I was fine with it – inside I still ache for that baby that should have been born last week.

    My heart goes out to you – and your husband.

    I’m going to catch up on your recent post now and maybe comment more.


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