Posted by: Kate | January 5, 2007


If you happen to be a gentleman of the New Hampshire persuasion, I have a few gentle suggestions for you, all of which circle around the general notion of subtlety.

One is, if you happen to drive a big white pick-up truck with bumper stickers reading “ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE” and “Snipers: No Need To Run, You’ll Just Die Tired,” you’ve already made your point. You don’t need a license plate that says, “1SHOT.” That’s just overkill. One bumper sticker, maybe I’ll park a spot away from you in the parking lot in case you’re watching me from the roof of the mall, ready to take me out if I scrape my door into yours. But now I just think you’re overcompensating.

And two is, if you happen own a Monument & Gravestone Busness, you could start by adding an “i” into Business. Just rounds it out, somehow. And I have a tiny twinge in the back of my head at the idea of holding a “10% Off Sale Today Thru Monday” – do people really wait for a sale and then stock up? – but I’ll let it slide. As long as you promise to take down the big neon-yellow arrows pointing to the “New Low Prices!” headstones. Deal?

Number three is directed at the denizen of style hanging out in the parking lot outside my work. For one thing, it was never cool to talk with a cigarette in your mouth, and I don’t care what Marlon Brando told you. And for another, if I can still have a little bit of difficulty focusing my eyes when I arrive at my car, thirty feet away, because your cologne is so strong that it is causing me to have small yet elegant hallucinations, then you’ve taken it a step too far. Just because they sell cologne at the wholesale club doesn’t mean you have to use it in bulk.

Thanks for your time and attention. Now, knock it off.

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